Sharing this post by A21 (an international anti-trafficking organization) about warning signs in online grooming, plus what we can do to prevent our children from being groomed.
First of all, I think it’s important to acknowledge that these grooming tactics are the same ones used “in real life”, and were adapted by predators to hunt children in an online environment.
As you may have noticed through exploitation and colonizing practices throughout history, one of the most effective ways to subjugate someone is to make them complicit in their own harm—when children are groomed and then hurt by someone they believed to be their friend or romantic partner, they are more likely to feel an intense sense of shame for “allowing” themselves to be tricked and hurt. They are also more likely to experience confusion if they believed that they were in a relationship and the harmful actions felt consensual (remember here that all children are, by definition, under the age of consent).
This in turn may keep them silent.
So what can we do?
To address the root vulnerability that creates an opportunity for online grooming to occur, we need to ask ourselves which of the child’s needs are being addressed by forming this relationship.
Usually it is related to love and acceptance/belongingness—which are basic human needs that we can’t condition ourselves out of.
Therefore if we want to build our children’s resilience to grooming tactics, we need to:
- Address potential needs and make sure that they’re being fulfilled. Depending on what life looks like and how busy you are, this may be easier said than done. But regardless of whether we are the ones fulfilling this need or not, the child will seek it until it is fulfilled.
- Have conversations around the traits of safe versus unsafe people, especially highlighting that safe people will always respect boundaries even when they disagree with them, and that it’s possible for someone to blow past boundaries with a smile on their face. It’s not always done aggressively. While predators may seem charming at first, they will eventually show their true colors, at which point our children will immediately be able to recognize this person as unsafe. This makes them exponentially harder to groom.
- We need to place ongoing importance on earning our children’s trust (I’ve written about this here.). They need to know that they can come to us for ANYTHING. This is built on tiny interactions each day—do we pause and bear witness the majority of the time that they ask for our attention? Do they feel seen and heard by us? Do they feel judged? What happens when they experience shame in front of us—do we make it better or worse?
Unfortunately there isn’t an exhaustive list of things to do to prevent grooming. There isn’t a set of facts we can just teach them.
It’s all about being able to recognize their needs, notice when they’re not being fulfilled, adjust our interactions to boost connectedness, and earn their trust.
Every. Single. Day 🥲.
But also fortunately, when these needs are being met and when we have taught our children that they deserve to be surrounded by good, safe people (starting with us!), there is NOTHING an unsafe person can do or say that will entice them to form a relationship with them. They will have no desire to date them, or be friends with them, because they have learned that they deserve better.
On the flip side, predators will likely steer clear of a child like this, because their traits and behaviors are indicative of a deep connection with a safe adult who will BELIEVE and PROTECT THEM. This makes them dangerous to the predator. (You can learn more on how to raise kids that naturally repel predators in my guide.)
By the way, if you want to learn more about the fundamentals of child safety, I’m teaching a Child Safety 101 Masterclass on July 25 from 9-10:30am PDT via Zoom. It’s $65 until 7/18, and then $99. Learn more & get your tickets at: https://bit.ly/25july2026
100% of proceeds are donated to Humansave in support of human trafficking survivors.
(My Safe Parent Group members get this masterclass included with their $44/month membership.)
