READ AN EXCERPT from my chapter on Safe vs. Unsafe People...

"Traditional approach: The focus is on keeping kids away from dangerous people. We teach about red flag behaviors and the possible traits and tactics of predators. This includes delaying the use of smart phones and turning on safety features in apps.

Flaws: Predators and toxic people are constantly adapting their approach; they know how to seem familiar and safe, in real life and online.There are too many nuanced cases, and it’s impossible to prepare for every scenario.

Alternative approach: While I also teach my kids important child safety tactics, my focus is on showing them how to surround themselves with safe people—which keeps dangerous and toxic people away as a byproduct. I don’t just tell them who to stay away from, I also show them whom to keep close.

First, here are some basic child safety rules that I implemented with my kids from 0-5 years old:

1. “Safe people will never ask a child to keep a secret from their parents.” I say “people” and not “adults” because sometimes children re-enact their abuse with other children. I also say, “If someone asks you to keep a secret, the first thing you need to do is come and tell mommy or daddy.” However, you have to do your part. You need to make sure that they feel safe coming to you with anything and everything. Even the things you find unimportant— that’s often where the most important information is actually hidden.
2. “Safe people will never need help doing something in private.” This is a tactic often used by predators to isolate children.
3. “No one [but mom, dad, caregiver etc] is allowed to touch your private parts, and only to shower or clean you.” This should be reiterated each time you shower and wipe them. Keep it lighthearted, but make sure they know.
4. “If someone asks you to go somewhere with them, or offers you something while I’m not there, come and find me to ask permission.” I frame it this way because predators are either known to the child and family, or they know how to feel familiar, so the word “stranger” doesn’t work. Even if it’s someone we trust, a safe adult would always insist on getting permission first anyway. To this day, my preteen still asks for permission to eat sweets that her friends or their parents give her. This has become habit and she does it out of respect, without truly realizing that it has more to do with safety.

In addition to traditional child safety, I also teach my kids that:

1. Safe people are consistently kind. They are not warm one moment and then cold the next. You know exactly what to expect from them each time you see them. And even when they are hurt and frustrated, they are still kind.
2. Safe people do not hurt others intentionally. And when you tell them that they hurt you, they apologize and make an effort not to do it again.
3. Safe people are good at respecting boundaries. They will not try to convince you to change your No to a Yes. If you set a boundary, they will listen to it even if they don’t agree with it.

When you think of predators, bullies, toxic partners, and frenemies, none of them would pass this “safety test”.

To help my kids choose great friends, I added:

4. Good friends are happy when you express joy. You don’t need to filter your wins. They cheer you on and celebrate with you.

5. Good friends are safe to share your fears with. They are encouraging and supportive, and they make you feel less alone.'

[END OF EXCERPT]