It’s heartbreaking when our kids first come into contact with bullies, mean kids, and frenemies—especially because too many of us know firsthand how long it can take to heal from those experiences. I’ve seen it start as early as kindergarten, and some people never outgrow this behavior.
While I wish none of our kids had to experience this, learning how to navigate unkind people is an important life skill.
Unfortunately, if we don’t address the issue head on, our kids can internalize the experience, subconsciously carry the shame and blame, and write it permanently into their identity.
Thankfully, I’ve found that there are certain things we can say and do to help our children process these experiences in a way that protects their sense of self.
Here are three things I do with my kids when something happens:
1. I say “I’m so sorry that kid did that to you, they had no right to touch you/talk to you that way, ever. I’m glad you noticed that it made your body feel unsafe, and that you said something about it.”
This reframe is important because you are validating their instincts, experience, and actions. Also, I don’t use passive language like “I’m sorry that happened.” I want to be clear about who did it because they should hold the responsibility, blame, and shame.
2. I say, “It was brave of you to tell me, and I’m honored that you trust me to keep you safe. Sometimes when things like this happen to adults, we hold it in because it feels scary to talk about to us too. But I’m here to carry the weight of it with you.”
This normalizes any feelings of shame they may be experiencing, and the natural desire to hold it in. Sometimes saying something out loud feels like we’re making it real; but silence forces us to bury and carry that pain with us longer.
3. I focus on transferring the shame to the aggressor. When something violating happens, it is common to feel like it’s our fault somehow—“I should’ve said something or made them stop” is a very normal thought to have.
So when you talk to your kid, and you sense they may feel that way, you can speak directly to the inevitable, subconsciousquestions we all ask ourselves: WHY ME? and WHY DIDN’T I DO STOP THEM?
Focus on the aggressor—“They should never have touched/yelled at you.” “How unkind of them to think that was funny.” “Someone else may be doing/saying that to them.”
Damage control:
My primary goal (after ensuring physical safety) is making sure an incident like this doesn’t touch my child’s self-perception or identity.
Instead of I’m the kind of kid who gets bullied because maybe there’s something wrong with me, I want them to think, That’s the kind of kid who hurts other people on purpose and I want nothing to do with them.
I know this can be overwhelming—but mean people are a normal part of life. And while we can’t prevent these kinds of encounters, we can guide our kids through them.
In case you find it helpful, I wrote a child safety guide that outlines the framework I use to raise safe, joyful, and resilient kids who naturally repel bullies, predators, and other dangerous people (while teaching them how to surround themselves with great friends and healthy relationships!). You can find it here.
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