Can Your Child Trust You? A personal reflection on the connection between trust and child safety.

In the context of child safety, I have often talked about the importance of teaching our children that trust is ALWAYS earned–and that no adult, family or not, is entitled to it. This is especially important because as you have probably noticed, many predators are liked and respected by family and the community.

And they weaponize this implicit trust to elicit obedience and silence victims.

So what does earning trust actually look like? As with most things I share about, it’s usually easier said than done 🥲.

What our kids need from us as babies, toddlers, young kids, preteens, teens, young adults, and adults will look different 

The humility to admit and take accountability for our mistakes.
The empathy to truly see things from their perspective, so we can connect with them even during disagreements.
The integrity to keep our word and walk the talk.

Parents who are missing one or more of these in their relationship with their kids seem to have the hardest time with them in middle and high school, which is when they’re old enough to notice the inconsistencies in what we say versus what we do. If we continue to avoid accountability, they often start to develop resentment. The resentment looks like anger and sounds like either disrespect or silence.

It’s also important to remember that earning trust is an ongoing, lifelong commitment. If you get it wrong, start again. Put in the time, effort, and energy. I’ve worked with so many parents who felt like it was too late for their 15, 10, and even 6 year olds.

And while I get that it can feel that way in the moment, I think of my 101 year old great-grandma and my 81 year old grandma. Their relationship today is much better than it has been for the last 25 years (20 of which were no contact!).

Here are some of the questions I ask myself every month or so, or more often if I am noticing pushback, irritability, and other symptoms of a potential disconnect:

• How do I treat the rules in our home?
  Do they see me follow the same rules that I set for them? If not, can I explain why the rules are different for me in 10 words or less?
  Are the rules consistently enforced, or do they change based on external factors such as my mood or energy level?
  When they present a counter argument for a rule or boundary (that is not safety-related), do I change my mind to consider their opinion?
  
• What is my capacity to validate their feelings?
  How do I react when they come to me with something scary, or when they make a mistake?
  How comfortable am I sitting with their anger, sadness, frustration, or other difficult feelings?
  Do I pay attention to them when they have something joyful or exciting to share? Do I mirror back their excitement, or do I stifle it?
  
• When they tell me something I don’t like, how do I react?
  When I make a mistake, do I point it out and apologize? If they are upset when I apologize, do I validate how they feel, or get defensive?
  How do I react when they disagree with me?

And here are a couple of things I tell them to make sure they know they can trust me:

“You can trust me, and I am strong enough to hear anything you have to say.” I had to say this to my kindergartener when she shared that someone had pushed her a few days after it had happened. She said she didn’t want me to be worried 🥺. Now I say this to both of my kids because I know they both have strong protective instincts.

“The things that feel scariest to say out loud are the things we need to share the most. That feeling you have in the pit of your stomach is telling you that you need my or daddy’s help. It’s our job to help you so you don’t need to carry this feeling alone.” The feeling that saying something will a scary thing more real is universal. They need to hear us say that we are here to share this burden with them.

“I love you even when we disagree, when I’m upset, or when you’re sad or angry. There’s nothing you can ever say or do that will make me love you less.” Kids who are not afraid to lose their parents’ love and affection are more likely to tell them the truth when it really counts.

When I facilitate Child Safety trainings for parents, building trust is always at the forefront of my mind. Because even if we would do anything to keep our kids safe, if they don’t trust us enough to come to us when something feels off or when they’re scared, then we won’t be able to protect them as well as we’d hoped.

Is this something that you find yourself doing? Are there any questions you would add? I’d love to know!

P.S.
For more tips and insights related child safety, check our my easy-to-digest child safety guide.
To register for my free upcoming Human Trafficking 101 Trainings for the community via Zoom through Humansave, click here.

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