4 traits of kids who repel pr3dators & dangerous situations, and how I’ve raised my kids with these traits.

My mission is to share what I’ve learned (as a mom who holds a Master’s in Forensic Psychology, who worked in law enforcement intel, and who works with survivors of human trafficking and child sexual exploitation through the nonprofit I founded in 2017), to raise your kids so that when a predator takes one look at them, they immediately think, NOT THAT ONE.

This is how my mom (a brilliant therapist, Doctoral-level professor, and Clinical Director) raised me, and it’s how I’m raising my kids as well.

Also, this was so hard to write! I feel like each bullet point should be its own separate article, but I did my best to condense everything. This is by no means a comprehensive list—I’ll be sharing more pieces like this in the near future.

1. They aren’t afraid to question authority.

So many predators are well-liked and well-respected, within families and within communities. They weaponize their authority, relying on their targets and victims to blindly obey them.

Kids who are raised to think critically and stand up for their beliefs are dangerous to predators because they won’t just go along with something that they think is wrong, or that makes them feel uncomfortable.

How I raise my kids this way: I parent from a place with two inherent beliefs about respect:

First, that it needs to be earned (I’m not entitled it).

And second, that blind obedience does not equalrespect.

Because of this, I have no problem letting my kids question my authority. They naturally ask “why” at every turn, and I just do my best not to squash that—no matter how inconvenient it is in the moment.

I let them challenge my reasoning, and because I don’t crave blind obedience, it doesn’t feel threatening to me. It feels curious. 

I want them to be curious. 

I want them to keep asking “why”.

I want them to know that they should absolutely say something if they don’t think that the “why” makes sense. 

And most of all, I want them to know that they can come to ME when that happens.

Sometimes, my girls present logical arguments, and I change my answer.

This shows them that I also respect and value their opinions, which builds trust between us. 

They know that it’s never about power for me.

Remember, if our kids can do this with US—people they rely on for safety and belongingness—they will feel comfortable doing it to anyone. 

2. They feel like they belong—they have a strong connection with family and friends.

This sounds like a no-brainer for a few reasons. 

When a kid is strongly connected with others, especially adults, they have more people watching over them. 

More people to notice when something is off.

More people to have hard conversations with them

More people they can go to if something feels weird.

And more people who would believe them if they say something happened.

As you can imagine, this type of kid is a red flag for predators.

How I raise my kids this way:

My husband and I show up to everything. Literally every school event, every soccer game, no matter what day or time, we’re there. We have rearranged our entire lives (and careers!) around this because it’s something that is incredibly important to us. 

My mom, who raised me as a single mom, did the same. If she had to stay later another day to make up for it, she did. If she had to use a sick or vacation day, she did. 

If this feels impossible for various reasons, also consider inviting your family and close friends to attend in your stead. If parenting was a job, and presence was a requirement, then this is the equivalent of finding someone to cover for you.

In addition to presence, we also do our best to connect deeply with our kids. No phones or other distractions. Preferably deep belly laughter is involved.

This allows them to walk around feeling loved, understood, and that they belong with us. I use the word “feel” because we can know something and still not feel it. The important part is feeling it.

Some days all we get is 10 minutes, but that still compounds over time.

Predators manufacture belongingness with kids (and adults!) who are starving for connection.

3. They know how to spot safe versus unsafe people.

The vast majority of predators are known and trusted by victims, and we can no longer just teach our kids about “stranger danger.”

Besides, by the time a dangerous person approaches a kid—whether online or in real life—they usually don’t feel like strangers anymore.

These people are considered family, friends, and respected community members.

So how can we educate them without terrifying them or making them paranoid?

I focus on teaching them about safe people first.

I’ve taught them that:

-Safe people will make them feel physically safe. That means they feel calm and regulated—they can breathe easily, their tummies feel happy, their shoulders are dropped. The opposite of feeling unsafe or upset. This teaches them to tune into their bodies and trust their gut instinct as well.

-Safe people will never ask them to keep secrets from anyone, especially parents and caregivers. They may hope there’s something that they won’t share, but they won’t ask them to do something that goes against their values.

-Safe people won’t punish you for disagreeing or setting boundaries. They won’t withhold affection or attention until they get what they want. They might not like your response, but it will be clear that they still love and respect you.

I like to teach them these things by using characters from books, movies, and shows we watch together.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but this is what I started with—first by modeling, and then by having conversations.

There are more of these tips in my other posts.

4. They genuinely like themselves–and the way they walk, talk, and carry themselves reflects it.

The same way that predators know how to spot a kid who has extremely low self esteem, they can recognize a confident kid a mile away. It’s a combination of their posture, whether or not they take up space, and their willingness to speak their mind.

As someone whose favorite subject in grad school (and beyond) was Criminal Profiling, and who has worked with and been around vulnerable individuals for most of my life, I can scan a room full of kids and instantly tell who would be the easiest targets.

The thing is, what I can spot are the nonverbal cues that are a reflection of a person’s inner world. 

And if I can do it, I know that predators can too.

How I raise my kids to like themselves:

I raise my kids to like themselves by making sure that they feel like I LIKE THEM.

Like I enjoy spending time with them, and getting to know who they are.

Like I’m genuinely curious about their opinions.

Like I love sharing my hobbies with them because it’s just so much fun together.

When the people who matter most to us actually like us and think we’re cool, we show up differently.

These are the kids that a predator would take one look at and say, “NOT THAT ONE.”

Fortunately as parents, we are automatically our kids’ favorite people. 

I have a theory that this only changes when our kids stop feeling like they are our favorite people.

All of these points are simple enough in theory—but in practice, it can get a lot more complicated. Most importantly, we need to walk the talk and make sure that we are exactly who we are trying to raise our kids to be.

This means healing old wounds.

It means facing and replacing the patterns we inherited that we don’t want to pass on (if you don’t know where to start I wrote a guided journal that helps parents with this).

It means showing up again and again despite failure (and apologizing for those failures).

Raising the next generation to be strong and compassionate is no small feat; I hope you know you’re not alone, and I’m out here cheering you on.

–Francesca