(Photo Credit: Daria Obymaha)
Sharing something that came up during a conversation I had with a friend about Ego and how harmful and dangerous it can be in relationships—especially with our kids and those we love most. I’ve come to realize that our ego is our fiercest protector, especially of the parts of ourselves who were hurt during our childhood.
It’s there to put a wall up and make sure we’re never vulnerable that way again.
As parents, we can get triggered by our kids, even when we logically know that it’s not personal; developmentally appropriate behaviors get interpreted through a lens of our past pain.
If we continue on this path, we set our kids up for a game of emotional minesweeper where they constantly have to navigate “bombs” that they didn’t put there.
So how can we disarm these triggers?
We start by noticing them. “oh man, when my kid uses a certain tone/does a certain thing, it makes my blood boil.”
If we stop there, we’re reacting.
But what if we go just a step further with some curiosity?: “Could they just be copying this behavior from somewhere, without understanding how it might be interpreted? What happened during my childhood if I did this same thing?”
Most of the time this pause is enough to diffuse some of the tension in that moment.
It helps us get to the core of what’s actually hurting us.
Here’s an example of how I address this with my kids:
Me: “I know you probably don’t know this, but that tone can sound rude to a lot of people.” Still corrects the behavior, but without my emotional baggage.
6yo: “I’m sorry, I didn’t know!”
Me: “Of course you didn’t, you’re really kind and mindful. That’s why I wanted to tell you.” This also reinforces a positive self-concept, which is really important because we become who we think we are.
Our children are wired to seek our approval. They naturally need us to like them for survival. If we start with that knowledge, then we have a much better chance of not subconsciously feeling like we need to protect ourselves from them.
I’m proud to say that I am extremely difficult to offend (which is not the same as getting annoyed or frustrated lol). And because I feel safer, in the sense that I don’t need to protect myself from my kids, I get to show up as a safer person too.
Win/win.
Might write a part two about kids who seem offensive on purpose, if this is something you guys would be interested in. (For context, I spent a lot of time working with justice-involved and “under resourced” kids and they are my absolute favorite group of people to work with.)
P.S.
If becoming a more patient and affectionate parent is something you’re working on, check out The Home Within: A Guided Journal for Cycle-Breaking Parents. You’ll delve into the cycles you inherited–which to put down, which to pass on, and what new legacy you’re building for you children & future generations.
